It is 10 o'clock at night and for the second night in a row I am in a house with children that I just got in bed, feeling rather alone and contemplative. Be forewarned, this is mostly just a way of getting my slightly muddled and very random thoughts out on "paper" (and to be completely honest, a way to entertain me and keep me awake while I await the parents of the sleeping children).
I've never been totally sure if I'm an introvert or an extravert. For the most part I love being around people, as long as I decide which people and at what times. Other times I just enjoy the seclusion of my headphones, the peacefulness of late night drives, and the solitude of my thoughts. Ever since removing Facebook from my life a few months ago, I've battled between the curiosity of wanting to know what is happening among my acquaintances and the freedom I've found with not being so wrapped up in the ties of social media. On nights like tonight, the battle rages in so many ways. My phone is silent, the only emails I have are ones that don't require a response, and Pinterest bores me. I'm not inclined to watch a movie and my mind feels restless. I have seven tabs open and none of them lead anywhere exciting. I want someone to come home so that we can talk, yet I don't feel inspired to have a meaningful conversation. The dog is snoring peacefully and the remnants of my raspberry sherbet have melted into a pink and sticky mess in my bowl.
This post is exceedingly boring, I keep hoping that I'll write something that awakens my inner passion for being inspired but it really isn't happening. Oh well, I'll keep going because I'm mildly occupied.
After weeks of getting up early and going to bed late, I slept in ridiculously late today because I didn't have anything planned. I don't like the feeling of waking up and seeing four digits on the clock, knowing that I'm closer to the second meal of the day than the first. The disgust I had with my own laziness wore off as I realized what a glorious day it was unfolding to be. I got ready unusually quick because I had already missed so much of it. Upon emerging from the hobbit hole, I realized that I was the only one home. I spent the rest of the short morning finishing up homework for the week and laying on the deck in the blissful sunshine.
Other than picking up a few of my siblings from their class, I really didn't do a whole lot more with my day. I don't feel particularly social, but I'm craving something to do. It has been a while since I've had a spring that hasn't been crazy full of excitement. Between getting ready for camp, graduating, and fair preparations, the last eight springs have been bursting with anticipation. This year I am finishing up my second semester of college and gearing up for more hours at work.
The phrase don't waste your life plays on repeat, sometimes nearly driving me crazy.
Life is short. Looking back at my blogs tells me that faster than anything. There are all the years neatly stacked to one side, the posts broken down by dates underneath them. Not even scratching the surface of all the days that have slipped by, but briefly highlighting a few random events. Am I wasting my life? I'm certainly not doing anything extraordinary with it. All those early thoughts of becoming a missionary, moving to a far off country, and starting an orphanage... where did those go? For the most part, my thoughts now either revolve around work, school, or the occasional fun-filled weekend.
I know this isn't what life is all about. I know I can glorify God through my actions in every day and that it doesn't have to be drastic. Sometimes I just want drastic, something that will make me feel like I am doing great things for God.
"All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong."
Music is such an important part of my life. Right now it is the only noise to keep me company. I know that the fight to live a life worthy of the calling feels easier when I am "doing something great". Spiritual highs from working at camp have taught me that being home with extra time can be more challenging than being constantly on the run with eight girls following close behind. And yet, this is where I am. After a long day of considering and praying, I have committed to finishing what I started with my education, which means for now that I am done with camp. It means a summer of working so that I can afford to keep taking classes. Most importantly, it means that this is the place and the stage that God has placed me in today. All I can do is keep fighting day by day to glorify God with what He has given me for that day.
"I lay me down, I'm not my own. I belong to you alone... This much is true, there's no life apart from you."
And with that, my musing time is over. Everyone got home at once and it is time to get ready for bed. This turned out very random and I feel like I just rambled for the last hour. But it was good to come back to truth, to speak it instead of just nonchalantly listening to lies that the world feeds me.
"We can't own it, we just get to hold it for a while. This life. We can't keep it or save it for another time. This life."
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