60 Days and Counting

“It will come sometime. Some beautiful morning she will just wake up and find it is Tomorrow. Not Today but Tomorrow. And then things will happen ... wonderful things.” 

― L.M. Montgomery, Anne of the Island.

"Dear Bride to be,

You hear a lot of lies and negativity in your own head and even from the lips of others (you are the center of attention, your wedding won't be very 'nice', your dress isn't right, the day won't be perfect unless everything goes according to plan, you only get married once so make it perfect...) and on and on. Here are some truths for you: it is God's performance, not yours. He did all the arranging so far, rest in Him! Weddings are special, but your man is more special! Look for ways to bless him and please him more than yourself. Don't compare. The seed of eternal discontentment is forever found in comparing. Don't compare dresses, budgets, or venues - you will never be happy. Instead, relax and have fun. This time is short and precious - enjoy it! Don't worry about what other people think, don't stress about matching or coordinating colors, embrace the uniqueness. Don't forget all the ways that God has provided through dear friends and family. They are praying for and supporting you and that is the best gift of all. Study the secret of being content - it starts at the roots. Be wide-eyed and sentimental but don't hold too tightly to plans or "ideals". The simple yet profound goals are to glorify God and get married, everything else is extra, not priority. Take it all in and work hard, but don't set your heart on silly desires or let your eyes glaze over with envy. It isn't about you... truly it isn't. It is about God and His marvelous gifts."

A blog post wasn't exactly on my "to do" list today, but I needed a break so what better way to do it? I've been struggling to journal and blog like I used to, as cliche as it sounds, I simply don't have time to sit down and write, but I wish I did. I look back on the last 200+ days in awe at how fast they have truly f l o w n by. Everyone told me it would go fast, but I didn't expect it to be going this fast! Our "longest chain on earth" is already quite short and in just sixty days our whole lives will change. I've been getting increasingly more sappy and busy with each passing day, but I am trying to treasure up in my heart all the wonderful blessings and joys of this special time.

A few weeks ago I did take some time to write a letter to myself because sometimes you just need to preach to your own face for a while until truths become more true than the lies in your head... or at least I do! I wrote it like I would write to Samantha if she was getting married. At first it made me laugh, but re-reading that letter has given me much needed perspective on several occasions. It is astounding how quickly my heart turns to my own desires and my own plans and dreams... it is astounding how selfish of a human I can be. And yet, what is even more astounding, is that through it all God's grace abounds more and more than I could ever deserve. So many people have come along side of us to helps us in every way possible that it truly floors me. 'Tomorrow' is coming; I will wake up one of these days and it will be Tomorrow. For now, I need to learn the secret of being content with each day of work, each day of planning, and each day that God's mercy and grace is new in the morning.

{For more consistent updates of my wonderfully sappy, random, and odd life, feel free to follow me on Instagram @imemilyjane. Word of caution: I'm not kidding when I say it is sappy. I'm a softy for anything romantic, whimsical, or sentimental and I like to capture as much as possible in a snap.)

The Danger of Expectations

ex·pec·ta·tion

noun

1. a strong belief that something will happen or be the case in the future.

   "reality had not lived up to expectations"

I found it interesting that the example given from the dictionary was one that I so often relate to... "reality had not lived up to expectations." This is kind of an odd post, but one that I have been trying to think through for a while. Expectations seem to be a normal part of life. We expect that things will go a certain way, or at least that some things will happen. Sometimes expectations are a good thing and it allows you to prepare properly. When my family invites another family over for dinner, it is good that my mom expects them to show up. She cooks and cleans and prepares to host. If she didn't have expectations, the guests would arrive to a potentially chaotic home as we tried to last minute pull things together. However, expectations can often be a struggle for me as I place too much "strong belief" in something that will happen in the future. Plans change, people get sick and have to reschedule, weather is often unpredictable, and ultimately God's plans don't always line up with my plans (thus my selfish problem). This is a hard realization to come to grips with, and yet there is so much peace here as well. The danger lies not in just expecting things to go a certain way because I have made plans but it comes when I place all my hope and belief and joy in my plans... and then being crushed or madly disappointed when they don't go the "right way". I tend to swing more towards the extreme. The problem is that reality does not often live up to my expectations. 

One of my favorite quotes is from a book by Tom Harmon, "The refusal to die to my self is what makes me so miserable." Nearly every time I feel trapped in an Anne-of-Green-Gables-depths-of-dispair type mood, this quote pops into my head. It reminds me that the reason I am probably feeling miserable is because I am refusing to die to myself. 

There is so much to look forward to this summer, so much expectation and anticipation. It is different than it was a few weeks ago, but there is contentment. Plans have changed and reality has taken the place of some expectation, but there is still much more to expect. 

One thing that I have started to realize is that sometimes reality is better than my expectations. The most real hope that I can have is in Christ and the finished work on the cross and the expectation that He is coming back again! No matter how much imagination I employ, the reality of that glorious day will far outdo any pre-conceived ideas that I have now. It is exciting to know that there is such a deeper hope and strong belief that I can cling to, far beyond the selfish little hopes I have now, an eternal hope that will never disappoint. 

The main reason that I wrote this was as a reminder for myself. I know that this is something that I will still battle against, even now my plans for today are changing because a friend needs to reschedule a get together. There is truth that battles all the lies I hear and the truth for today is that my plans are not mine. My life doesn't belong to me and none of it is in my control. If I knew exactly how my day was going to go, I wouldn't see the many blessings as precious. One of the things I had to do today was order books for the summer... it has been on my list for a while and I finally told myself that it had to be done today. As I looked at the book list, I got overwhelmed. Then after checking with one of my friends who took the same classes last semester, she offered to let me use the exact books that I needed! Such a blessing, and a totally unplanned blessing that was different from my expectations!! As I go about my day, I need to be very careful to not place my strongest belief in anything besides Christ. He is ALL that I have and all that I need. Expectations become a dangerous thing when I place all my desires on them working out how I have planned... Something that I will need to remember and remind myself of many more times today alone. 

Late Night Musings

It is 10 o'clock at night and for the second night in a row I am in a house with children that I just got in bed, feeling rather alone and contemplative.  Be forewarned, this is mostly just a way of getting my slightly muddled and very random thoughts out on "paper" (and to be completely honest, a way to entertain me and keep me awake while I await the parents of the sleeping children). 

I've never been totally sure if I'm an introvert or an extravert. For the most part I love being around people, as long as I decide which people and at what times. Other times I just enjoy the seclusion of my headphones, the peacefulness of late night drives, and the solitude of my thoughts. Ever since removing Facebook from my life a few months ago, I've battled between the curiosity of wanting to know what is happening among my acquaintances and the freedom I've found with not being so wrapped up in the ties of social media. On nights like tonight, the battle rages in so many ways. My phone is silent, the only emails I have are ones that don't require a response, and Pinterest bores me. I'm not inclined to watch a movie and my mind feels restless. I have seven tabs open and none of them lead anywhere exciting. I want someone to come home so that we can talk, yet I don't feel inspired to have a meaningful conversation. The dog is snoring peacefully and the remnants of my raspberry sherbet have melted into a pink and sticky mess in my bowl. 

This post is exceedingly boring, I keep hoping that I'll write something that awakens my inner passion for being inspired but it really isn't happening. Oh well, I'll keep going because I'm mildly occupied.

After weeks of getting up early and going to bed late, I slept in ridiculously late today because I didn't have anything planned. I don't like the feeling of waking up and seeing four digits on the clock, knowing that I'm closer to the second meal of the day than the first. The disgust I had with my own laziness wore off as I realized what a glorious day it was unfolding to be. I got ready unusually quick because I had already missed so much of it. Upon emerging from the hobbit hole, I realized that I was the only one home. I spent the rest of the short morning finishing up homework for the week and laying on the deck in the blissful sunshine. 

Other than picking up a few of my siblings from their class, I really didn't do a whole lot more with my day. I don't feel particularly social, but I'm craving something to do. It has been a while since I've had a spring that hasn't been crazy full of excitement. Between getting ready for camp, graduating, and fair preparations, the last eight springs have been bursting with anticipation. This year I am finishing up my second semester of college and gearing up for more hours at work. 

The phrase don't waste your life plays on repeat, sometimes nearly driving me crazy. 

Life is short. Looking back at my blogs tells me that faster than anything. There are all the years neatly stacked to one side, the posts broken down by dates underneath them. Not even scratching the surface of all the days that have slipped by, but briefly highlighting a few random events. Am I wasting my life? I'm certainly not doing anything extraordinary with it. All those early thoughts of becoming a missionary, moving to a far off country, and starting an orphanage... where did those go? For the most part, my thoughts now either revolve around work, school, or the occasional fun-filled weekend. 

I know this isn't what life is all about. I know I can glorify God through my actions in every day and that it doesn't have to be drastic. Sometimes I just want drastic, something that will make me feel like I am doing great things for God. 

"All I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong."

Music is such an important part of my life. Right now it is the only noise to keep me company. I know that the fight to live a life worthy of the calling feels easier when I am "doing something great". Spiritual highs from working at camp have taught me that being home with extra time can be more challenging than being constantly on the run with eight girls following close behind. And yet, this is where I am. After a long day of considering and praying, I have committed to finishing what I started with my education, which means for now that I am done with camp. It means a summer of working so that I can afford to keep taking classes. Most importantly, it means that this is the place and the stage that God has placed me in today. All I can do is keep fighting day by day to glorify God with what He has given me for that day. 

"I lay me down, I'm not my own. I belong to you alone... This much is true, there's no life apart from you."

And with that, my musing time is over. Everyone got home at once and it is time to get ready for bed. This turned out very random and I feel like I just rambled for the last hour. But it was good to come back to truth, to speak it instead of just nonchalantly listening to lies that the world feeds me. 

"We can't own it, we just get to hold it for a while. This life. We can't keep it or save it for another time. This life."